NO RESPECT AT ALL

By Rodney Dangerousfield - 85CH

I don’t get no respect … no respect at all. It all started in February when I got my ham license. I told my wife, “I’m a ham now!” She said, but you’ve always been a ham.

I say, “no, not a comedian … a ham radio operator.” So, I see that I’ve got to explain it to her. After I explain it all to her she said, “…So it’s like CB radio?” I tell you, I get no respect.

About all she understands so far is it means I go to breakfast real early, on Saturdays, with a bunch of guys. She says it’s okay though, because she goes to breakfast now with someone, too. She’s been getting up earlier and earlier. Usually now, she’s already gone when I get home from work on Fridays.

But I was so happy when I passed my ham tests. …I was so happy. I was like a kid again. I looked in the mailbox every day for my license. When it didn’t come I asked my wife. She said she threw it away. I tell you, I don’t get no respect at all.

But it wasn’t really her fault, see. She said she threw it away like I tell her to do with anything that comes from the government.

She always does it with my jury duty notices and letters from the IRS. Works real good. I haven’t served on a jury in 30 years. If they ever ask, see, I can say I never got it.

So I said, “Oh no, you didn’t throw away my license did you?” She says, “Of course, it came from the government.” I tell you, you can’t win.

It was okay though. Because my wife has a photographic memory. She says she opened the mail from the FCC and it had my call sign: “AD5CH.” I said, “Are you sure?” She says, “positive.” So I repeated it to myself thousands of times so I don’t forget. “85CH, 85CH, 85CH, 85CH….”

You won’t believe it but there are these wise guys on the air. They say, “What’s the prefix of your call again?” They ask for phonetics. I say ‘85’ and they say spell it. I say “Eighty” “Five”. I mean, what are the phonetics for numbers anyways? So I go, “ECHO INDIA GEORGE HOTEL TANGO YANKEE, FOXTROT INDIA VICTOR ECHO.” “EIGHTY FIVE”. I don’t know why that’s so hard to get.

There’s this guy Mark, W5MMX-FM, broadcasting in high-fidelity stereo from Kingwood, Texas. He says to me, “85CH, what DX country did you get that call from?” I said I got it from the FCC, so what’s wrong with 85CH. He says that American calls never begin with numbers. He said my call can’t possibly be 85CH. He said, “Your call must be ALPHA DELTA FIVE, not ‘85’.” I said, “whatdaya think I am stupid or something? It’s my call. Okay? I know my own call!” Sheeeesh!

I believe in being active though. I joined the NARS club. I joined the ARRL. I go to Victor’s on Saturday’s. I check into the Monday night 80m net. But it’s weird. Six months later, still no one knows me. I look in the NARS newsletter for my name and call under New Members. I wasn’t listed in the March newsletter. Not in the April newsletter. Not in May. Not in June. Then in July, the NARS newsletter’s got ten names under New Members. Am I in there? Nope.

I thought I need to lose weight. But why? I’m already invisible!

It’s weird, I tell you. No one knows my name. No one knows my call. No one notices me. I’m the most ordinary looking, ordinary sounding, most boring ham in NARS club. I’m stealth, I tell you.

I’m thinking about changing my name to “There” so people would be correct when they address me as “Hi There.”

I’ve had my license for 6 months now. That’s a pretty long time if you ask me. But these newbies get all the notice – all the attention. It just ain’t right.

A couple months ago I discovered 2 meters. Everyone is on 2 meters going to work and coming home. I say to myself, “this is where it’s AT, baby.” But no one will talk to me. I’m thinking this is too much. So after a while I figure it’s just because you can’t get to the NARS repeater with an HT, from Conroe. So I find this Two Kilowatt VHF amp on Ebay. I buy it and hook it up. It’s real cool.

Still no one talks to me. Unfortunately, I have this propensity to double … its very weird … maybe 20 or 30 times in a row. I’m not kidding. I don’t know why. I can’t help it.

And since my 2KW signals are coming from the Big Thicket, my VHF sigs are attenuated 60dB and my doubles are totally blanketed by the guys “inside the loop”. No one even can tell that there is a double. When I double, no one says “Double!” They don’t hear anything. It’s like I’m not even there.

About once a week, though, I manage to not double, and my signal gets through with full quieting. As luck would have it though, that’s right when I sort of put my foot in my mouth. You know one of those unintended ‘double entendres’. It’s so embarrassing.

I think last time it happened … I was so embarrassed … I had suggested to one of the other hams that he buy for his XYL, who had recently gotten her ham ticket, a gold plated Vibroplex for her birthday. My intention was to be humorous, see. Get it? See you get your wife to get her ham ticket and then you can keep buying neat stuff for the ham shack that you want, under the auspices of being birthday gifts. I was astonished that the transmission had actually made it to the repeater – I hadn’t doubled! But then everyone groaned about the off-color innuendo. I was shocked. I was totally aghast. I quickly keyed the microphone, “No, you misunderstand, I just meant…” But it didn’t go through. So I keyed the mike for the next 64 times before I finally keyed the repeater again without doubling. By that time, it was midnight and everyone was QRT.

QRT is a little of that ham lingo, you know. It’s an acronym for, “Quit, Rodney’s There.” I don’t get no respect.

I don’t double so much, now. I get through about one out of four times I key. It’s wonderful. But still, no one knows who in the world I am.

One morning on 2 meters, I break in to a QSO between K1OJ and W5MMX. OJ gets a phone call. I took OJ’s ‘seat’ with MMX. I learn that he’s a pilot and where he was born and how many cats he has and his Triglyceride and LDL reading etc etc. So about the time I’m about to tell him a little about myself, like my name and so on, I had arrived at my destination and I had to sign out. Just then as I’m getting out of my car, I hear OJ comes back on. MMX says to OJ he’s glad he’s back because the conversation sagged while he was gone. I fumed to myself, “sagged?” I grabbed the mike to tell him that I heard that, but I doubled with OJ the next 13 times, so I gave up and was late to work 30 minutes.

The other bad thing was I burned up the RF transistors in my amplifier because it’s only rated to run at 20 percent duty cycle. I tell you, it's true – I don’t get no respect at all.

Then there was the time that N5EN/Steve tells me that my audio sounds terrible. That observation was quickly seconded by W5GFP/George who said I sounded like I was talking through a Kazoo. Imagine that! A Kazoo! But then I realized that this is wonderful. See? They noticed me. I sound like a Kazoo. I see some potential here.

I’m the Kazoo Ham. Finally, some notice. But still, neither one of them had the slightest idea who I am. If Kazoo started with a C instead of a K, I could maybe acquire the catchy handle Cazoo Ham. My call would be 85-Cazoo-Ham. I don’t know. It's weird. I know GFP’s middle name and his Lat/Long and his Boy Scout Troop number and he still doesn’t know who in the world I am. Next week, if he’s like all the others, he won’t even remember the Cazoo Ham.

I tell you, no one remembers me. It’s like the Bermuda Triangle. It’s unexplainable. It’s a very mysterious thing.

Actually, I exaggerate. Some hams DO remember me. There are only two people who know my name and call amongst the NARS club. One is Danny N5BE. He doesn’t count though because he is a mental giant when it comes to memorizing names. He’s been a salesman so long that you can introduce him to the million-man march all within 5 minutes and he could tell you all the names. It’s unbelievable. His wife Christy is something, too. She’s wonder woman – she made a 100 percent on her ham test! And Danny tells me, when I was having trouble hitting NARS repeater from Woodlands with 2KW, that Christy hits the repeater easily her 2-watt HT mobile from Centerville. Man! What am I doing wrong?

The other one who always remembers my name and call is Bill/K5ZTY. My theory is that he probably remembers me because he knows what I’m going through. Think about it. His name is Bill but no one calls him Bill – it’s always “Zed”. I know what it must be like, Bill. You finally gave up and had to say – okay you cretins if you can’t remember “Bill” and also remember my call, just remember ZTY and call me Zed, and we’ll just let it go at that. I don’t know… it’s just a theory of mine.

On the other hand, it could be that the real reason Zed remembers me is because of the time I backed into his car at Victor’s. I totaled it. I’m still real sorry, Bill. Sorry for my insurance being no good, too. We traded driver’s license info and the whole shooting match. I promise to pay you back, Bill.

Howard/AC5VF and K5OOR/Virgil remember me. But they don’t count because I’ve known them for about twenty years, but they forget too sometimes, I think, because I see them run over to Danny and ask, “What’s his name again?” They think I don’t notice.

OJ remembered my name for a whole QSO once. I can’t begin to tell you how flattering that is. I mean it! It was truly a compliment and I’m not joshing you. I guess Owen must know what it’s like to have people not remember your name. Just another theory of mine. See? People can remember the call but not the name AND the call.

You see, people really are very very stupid. They can’t help it. But OJ is very very bright. He figured it all out, see. He realized that if you get yourself a catchy vanity call like K1OJ, then, by golly, that IS your name. Pretty cool. Pretty effective. I should take the lead from OJ and start calling myself “CH.” Hi, I’m 85CH – name here is “CH”. Simple as pie.

Early last Saturday morning I was driving to Belton and started chatting with KA5IIA/Randy. We must have chatted for 30 minutes or so when I picked up Virgil/K5OOR, as planned, in Hempstead, to ride with me. We continued to chat on direct for a while. Then at Belton, I ran into Randy at his tailgate and started talking with him and he goes, “do I know you? “

So I’m used to this, see. I say, “yeah, I’m 85CH/Rod, we were talking for about 45 minutes a couple of hours ago on 2 meters? Remember?” He goes, “…oh. Yeah, hi there. What is it again? Ron or Rob?”

Right then W5SB/Bill comes up and is in a sort of playful mood. He sort of signals to me that I’m in the way and he can’t see Randy’s goods laid out on the tailgate. You know, it was one of those awkward things: I dodge to the left to get out of the way, he goes the same direction, we bump heads, and it was my entire fault. I think I stepped on his foot or something. Anyway, I shake his hand, “Morning Bill.” He says, “ Hi there…er uh, uh Jimmy.”

Bill seemed very satisfied with that stab at it. Lots of people call me Jimmy. It’s because some guy named Jimmy who got his license only, like, a week ago, has one of these call signs that also starts with 85. Everyone knows Jimmy. Everyone, I tell you.

But I help Bill out, “No, not Jimmy, it’s Rod. 85CH. Rod. Romeo Oscar Delta.” Sigh.

On the drive back, after letting Virgil off in Hempstead, I get on the NARS repeater. I hear W5SB and W5IDX/Greg riding together. Confidently, I key up, “Hi Bill, Hi Greg. 85CH” Then Bill comes back “85CH W5SB, Hi …er … there. Did you go to Belton?” I go, “Yeah. I went to Belton. Remember I shook your hand? It was in front of Randy’s tailgate?” Bill goes, “Uh…”

Then I say, “Remember? I bumped heads with you, and stepped on your foot?” Under normal circumstances, of course, I would not have brought up for recollection such an awkward moment. “Oh yes, of course. I remember, “ Bill says. And then I assure him that he’s not the only one that forgets my name, etc, etc. Not a problem.

But then it was only two days later and I’m helping Adam/KD5NDZ on 2 meters with an HF antenna problem. I think he was trying to match a barbed wire fence to some 873-ohm lamp cord, or something. Earl/W5BYQ jumped in with a solution. He almost had the right solution with his suggestion of using the old Windsor knot balun trick.

But I was in the right place at the right time. It was very fortunate for me. I diagnosed the problem with the proper solution. I was brilliant. It was great, I’m telling you. I’m wondering if anybody noticed who I was. Will I get credit? Maybe I will get some notoriety for something other than Kazoo quality audio. Perhaps as an antenna diagnostician. My imagination was running wild.

Then K5VUU/George shows up on the frequency. Someone says, ‘there’s George. Maybe he can help you, Adam.” George says, “Well it sounded like someone already identified the solution, ‘whoever that was’.

Uh oh. Oh darn. What does he mean, “? whoever that was”? How come George won’t say my name? Did he never read those 324 emails I sent him last month? I’m thinking, “should I say, that was ME, 85CH/Rod.” Maybe repeat it five times or so to be sure everyone hears it. And then KD5IIA/Randy comes on. I was sure Randy was going to say “that was Rod, RF genius extraordinaire.” But he didn’t. Drat!

Then someone asked Randy how early he left Houston to go to Belton. Randy replies, “Real early but Virgil was even ahead of me a few miles. Virgil and some other ham.” I couldn’t believe my ears. “Some other ham,” he said!

I tell you, I am invisible. But I have an idea. When given lemons, make lemonade. I have decided to become a bank robber because when I’ve made out with the bag of loot the tellers will just stand there and go, “I’m not sure… I had the money and then… something happened. I don’t know. Now it’s gone.”

But even if they nab me and put me in a line up … big deal. They’ll never recognize me. I’ll be rich!

DISCLAIMER: This piece is a work of fiction and any appearance of names or call signs being the same as those of actual people is pure coincidence except for all the dad-blamed times that these things really did happen. –Rodney 85CH.

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